Child Inclusive Mediation: empowering young voices in family disputes

In traditional mediation, an independent and neutral third party (usually with a legal background) works with both parents in an effort to help them reach an agreement. Their role is not to decide the issue (as a judge or arbitrator would) nor to advise (as a solicitor would). Instead, the mediator facilitates the discussion, gives the parents the relevant information that should help advance their discussions (such as insight into how a family court might approach an issue) and helps guide them to a mutually agreeable outcome. Whilst both parents may, during mediation, share with the mediator and other parent any discussions they have with the children, the mediator never personally meets the children in question.

In CIM, the mediator does consult directly with the children, as well as with both parents. In order to do this, the mediator must have undertaken specialist training to work with children in this way. In some cases, the mediation can involve two mediators, one who speaks with the parents and one who is specifically trained to work with children. 

Once a family has agreed that they wish to start CIM, it will normally be the case that the mediator has at least one meeting with the parents first although this can vary. The mediator will then meet the child or children by themselves in order to ascertain their views, wishes and feelings about the issues that need resolving. Where the children give permission, these wishes and feelings are then shared by the mediator with the parents in a separate feedback meeting. This is a voluntary process and so it is up to the parents to what extent they take on board what the child has expressed. However, the aim is to hear what the child thinks and feels in order to open up discussions and help lead both parents to a child-focused resolution. 

Naturally, if they are to be effective, the discussions with the children must happen in a way that is friendly, non-pressurising and sensitive. Children will not be asked polarising or closed questions such as ‘which parent would you prefer to live with?’ or forced to make a decision about their own lives. 

Instead, the mediator will ask them exploratory, open and age-appropriate questions about their home and school life, such as ‘What’s home life like for you at the moment?’ or ‘Can you tell me about what you like or don’t like about your current routine?' The idea is that children will feel more comfortable to express themselves freely without worry or fear if neither parent is present, but the mediator will not force them to disclose anything more than they are comfortable to do so. 

Importantly, at the end of their session, the mediator will ask the child if they are comfortable for the mediator to discuss what they have shared with the  child’s parents. If the child expresses that he or she does not want what they said to be disclosed, then the mediator will respect this wish.

CIM can offer a fantastic forum to bring the children’s wishes and feelings into the discussion in a safe and productive way. However, it is not right for every child or every separating couple. The usual considerations for normal mediation apply. For example, this may not be the right forum where there is a significant power imbalance between parents and/or there is a dynamic of domestic abuse.

There are additional factors to consider when a child would be involved. 

1. How old is the child? Every child is different but the process tends to be more effective with children aged around ten or over, who are more likely to have formed their own views independent of their parents'.
2. Does the child have the emotional and cognitive ability to express themselves and understand what is happening?
3. Are there any parental alienating behaviours at play which could influence the feedback the child gives? The mediators are trained to look out for this but where it is strongly suspected from the outset, the involvement of the court may be needed.
4. Are there any safeguarding concerns about the child? Where there are genuine concerns by one parent about the safety of the child whilst in the other parent’s care, or children’s services are involved, CIM may not be the right process.
5. Is the child at risk of harm if they express views that are contrary to one or both parent’s own set of beliefs? 

Before the process begins, the mediator will speak to each parent independently (this is called a MIAM) to assess whether mediation, and specifically CIM, would be appropriate and as part of that discussion, the mediator can explore alternatives to CIM. 

There are many different routes for separated parents to try to resolve disputes about the children, ranging from agreement-focused processes like mediation and negotiations via solicitors to processes where a decision can ultimately be made on the parents’ behalf, such as the court process of arbitration. 

For parents hoping to bring their child’s wishes and feelings to the front and centre of discussions, one option is to instruct an independent social worker who can speak to and spend time with the child and both parents, with a view to preparing a report with their recommendations. This can happen inside or outside of a court process. It can also be hugely beneficial for the child to have regular sessions with a counsellor or child therapist who can support them during what may be a difficult time in their lives. This can help the child process their feelings in a neutral space and may empower them to express themselves both inside and outside of therapy.